Holeee long time no blog people, it’s been since July when I was still housing Squishy Baybee that I last wrote! A lot has happened since- things such as squeezing Squishy Baybee out of my body, and then running around yelling things like “WHAT COLOR IS THE POOP??” “IS THE SPIT UP CHUNKY OR WATERY??’  So, because these important things have occured, the blog was put on the back burner, right behind the stack of dirty bottles and gas drops. Sorry friends. So, right now, at this second, Squishy Baybee is asleep (I believe that is the hallelujah chorus you hear in the background of this post) and I am typing as fast as my left swollen ring finger knuckle will allow! (My wedding ring is so tight on my left hand, but fits perfectly on the right. I think pregnancy gave me a man knuckle)  Because! You never know when the baybee will catch on that mom is doing something other than holding, rocking, changing, or shooshing him!

:::Right as I finished that paragraph, Squishy Baybee awoke, causing me to sigh and close the laptop:::

Alas, it is the next day and I am completing this short, unthoughtful blog.  So, here is a short list of things that have changed in my life since birthing a child:

- I now look at food  and judge how long it will take to eat it and how many hands it will take to put it in my face. Pizza? Doable one handed and in a short amount of time.  Spaghetti? It will be awhile before we meet again, my friend.

- Sleep is now acceptable anywhere, at anytime. The toilet is a perfectly acceptable place to dream. An hour of uninterrupted sleep is now considered “A good night’s rest!”

- It is now completely acceptable for me to consider whether a situation is boob worthy or not. As in, the baby is crying, and only breast feeding will calm him down. Never before have I considered whipping out a boob in a public place as normal, however now, depending on how upset my child is, it may be necessary. You have been warned. I’ll try to be discreet but when baybee is hungry, he can and will make wardrobe malfunctions a reality.

- “Getting ready” now consists of throwing makeup at my face and hoping it lands in the right spot, and a good hair day equals using the hair dryer.

- And finally (I could go on forever, but the baby is happily playing on his play mat which means I might have time to eat!) the main thing that has changed is that I never knew I could or would love being a mom and having a child- this child- this much. He is a blessing and a joy beyond words, and when I think of how my hands shook holding that pregnancy test with the second line, I laugh at my fearful self- because truly, the best was yet to come.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

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Hello again friends! The last time I wrote a post, I could see my toes without effort! I assure you, all is well in the Squishy home, however this period of time known now as “The time during which I became fat and lightheaded” has been peppered with good times galore. Allow me to tell you it.

So, apparently, Squishybaby lurves him some meat, and I, prior to Squishybaby’s existence was not such a meat lover. However, right about 18 weeks was  right about when I had to fight the urge to gnaw on cows when passing them grazing in fields. It was alarming at first- Was I cast in the final Twilight Saga movie unbeknownst to myself and was simply getting into character??? What happened to my “not so much” attitude when it came to meat-especially of the red variety? However, I had to have it. Thus began my love affair with Carl’s Jr cheeseburgers(did you know when you order a regular cheeseburger at Carl’s Jr. they call it a “Big Cheeseburger” and ask you- did you mean the BIG CHEESEBURGER??To which you must embarrassingly admit, yes I WANT THE BIG CHEESEBURGER.) Anyway, that lasted about a month and then I moved on to In and Out drive thru shananigans. UMMM did you also know that, when you go through the drive thru they ask you “Will you eat this in the car?”

Now. I’m already not proud that I’m going through the fast food drive thru at all, mmmk? But now you’re asking me to admit that yes, I will be eating this in the car, and yes, I will be chasing that random french fry that fell down between the seats at the next stoplight, and yes, I will be trying to remain calm when I see that I have already eaten all of the straggler fries at the bottom of the bag. YES I WILL BE EATING IT IN THE CAR. RUB MAH BELLY IF YOU WANT, IT’S ALL FOR THE BAYYBEEE. HE NEEDS THE MEAT!!!!!!

Also, apparently, he needs the iron. He needs the iron so badly, that umm sometimes, he knocks me out to get it. No joke. Apparently I’m what they call I pass out in the heat and scare the bejeezus out of people anemic, and this causes me to become not so conscious feeling at times. It is not pretty. Nor is it fun. Squishybaby does NOT fool around when he wants his meaty iron, and therefore, I am now doing what it takes to get it to him. SO, keep yer cows inside folks, I make no promises.

The view from the top these days...

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Saturday morning was like any other morning in the Squishy household lately. Me, with approximately every pillow ever made piled under and around me, and Mr.Squish trying to breathe amongst all the fluff, batting his arms around trying to find a place to lay them that didn’t bounce them right back on his face.

It was all very, very common and normal since the morning sickness has subsided (*Thank you Jesus, I’m forever grateful), and this is the norm on weekend mornings. Sleeping has now become somewhat of a pillow and comforter ballet, with me trying to find a comfortable side position so as to not harm the baby by lying on my back, and as a back sleeper, let me tell you, it has not been fun. It usually includes me trying to hurl myself over to my side, and trying to balance there comfortably without feeling like my rounding belly is hanging awkwardly off the front of me. It’s attractive, let me tell you.

So, it was on this very common and normal Saturday morning in the fluffy pillow home which I am not meant to leave   in bed that when I turned over something new happened. It felt as though my right calf was being ripped off of my leg by a very hungry shark. I found myself going from thinking peaceful Saturday morning thoughts to “MOTHER OF WHAT THE WHY IS MAH LEG WHAT IS OWWW OWWWW OWWWWWWWW”  and burying my face into the back of Mr.Squish’s upper buttocks. He, of course, thought I was dying. I can imagine that one does not prefer to wake up to his pregnant wife shrieking in pain and grabbing her leg like she is re-inventing the “Running Man” dance move craze of the 80′s. 

So. Apparently, I had a “Charlie horse” cramp in my calf. Apparently these are common in pregnancy. Apparently THE BABY HATES MAH LEGS.  The weird thing about this “cramp” is that there’s no reason for it, and there was NO warning. Straight from bliss to I’MMA SLAP YO’ MOMMA’S MAMA in a matter of seconds. Pure fun. Also? The pain and soreness lasted 2 days after. You tell me if you can find something better looking than a “is she fat or pregnant”  woman limping around in all her glory, and I’ll give you an award.

*I must make my gratefulness to Jesus clear whenever morning sickness is mentioned, because now that the  sickness is gone, it’s a whoooole neeew woooorld!! Someone get me my magic carpet!

This is Charlie. HE WANTS TO EAT MAH LEG.

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So it’s been awhile, like…a forever while, I know. BUT,BUT, BUTTTTTTTTT I have a pretty good excuse. You see, while you were out gallavanting through Target, dancing down the red lined aisles with glee (the clearance end caps!!!the movie theater boxed candy 2 for 1 sale!!! The 15% off Loreal Mascara signs!!!), I had my head located in the bowl of my toilet.

Because. I. am. a-growing. a human. A BOY human.  Yesiree you read that right, for the past 16 weeks I have been extremely busy creating another humanoid. What have you been doing? You see, I’m pretty sure whatever you have been doing pales in comparison to my all encompassing job of creating life with God, so I’m trying my best to live it up while I can. There have been several moments in the past 16 weeks however, where I would have gladly accepted a less exciting life. In honor of my new creation, I have compiled a list of pregnancy related thoughts, or things I have learned during the past 16 weeks and  3 days.

Weeks 4-5

• I need chicken McNuggets. NOW. I know they’re made with rubber duckies- but  I NEED THE NUGGETS!!

Weeks 5-7

• Hmmm, this is an unsettled feeling.
• Must keep eating, maybe this gnawing stomach will go away
• Nope, this is a bad bad feeling.
• This lasts all day, not just morning.
• I refuse to ever leave the house again.
• Must sleep NOW.
• I miss Target.

Weeks 7-9

• Well, this is icky.
• I will live the rest of my life surviving on Taco Bell Nachos Supreme with no beef.
• NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW BAD THIS IS
• I think I’m going to die.
• I wish I could floss my teeth without gagging.

Weeks 9-14

• Projectile vomiting+freshly applied mascara= not goodness.
• That is all.

Weeks 14-16

• Pregnancy is a wondrous thing!

So that brings us up to date.  This evening I was craving a turkey sandwich so badly that I went to the store and bought all the good ingredients for it, only to get home and realize the turkey had nitrates in it and I couldn’t eat it. Then I cried. I CRIED OVER A TURKEY SANDWICH. Luckily, my husband is my hero, and found me nitrate free turkey that I could heat up and eat.

And, all is right with the world again.

What have you all been up to? Crying over lunch meat as well I presume?

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Since I’m hurdling toward the end of my Christmas break, I refuse to form anything resembling  a paragraph. Please enjoy the following list of things I have learned during my time off for Christmas and New Years.

(Not in order of importance)

1. The human body can indeed survive for days on end without eating anything naturally occuring such as fruit or vegetables.

2. The human body can indeed reach its maximum capacity for fudge, Reese’s peanut butter bells, meltaway Hershey Kisses, and Family size bags of Fritos.

3. Oddly enough, maximum capacity for said items is ever expanding, as one continues to reach for these items even though one is sick of them.

4. During break, it is completely acceptable to feel an unexpected sense of joy when The Hills is featured in a marathon.

5. It is ok to feel a sense of guilt when setting your DVR to record the marathon.

6.  Dog Whisperer Week on National Geographic is oddly enough, a great thing to watch while eating Fritos.

7. Going to bed at 2:30 am, and waking at 11:30 am begins to feel as though this is what God hath intended for you, and that pesky job thing sure has gotten in the way of it all these years.

8. Becoming too lazy to actually go in the kitchen for baked goods is a sign that things are taking a down turn.

9. Moving baked goods to the coffee table is further more, a sign that things are not looking good.

10. Dehydration due to massive Frito consumption is also unfortunate- signs of salt under the finger nails is a warning.

11. Bad TV becomes watchable as time goes on and sugar levels rise.

12.  Falling asleep to Toddlers and Tiaras and Making the Team:Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders is a sign that things are getting out of hand.

13.  Thoughts like “That Christmas tree will need to be taken down” can usher in great thoughts of panic, bringing with it a fear of “pulling something” by getting off the couch.

14. Those thoughts lead to these: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Happy Time Between Christmas and New Years Everyone!!! I raise my Fritos bag to yours for a toast!!!

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