Okay. Ok. (I can never decide how to spell that.) SG and I were laying in bed last night, and I was listening to him physically beat his pillow with his fist, lay on it, turn it, twist it, lay on it, pummel it, etc. and then finally complain “I HATE THIS PILLOW!! I NEED A NEW ONE!!!”  Now. We have purchased pillows before, and I have been known to “test” them while in the store. Does everyone NOT do this? The first time SG saw me take a plastic wrapped pillow out of one of those big plastic canisters with the holes in the side, lay it on the ground and then lay on it I thought he was going to die of embarrassment.

My question was,and still is “How ELSE do you find out if it’s “the one?”  I mean, otherwise, you’re taking a huge risk here. It’s what you’ll spend 8 hours of your precious time on…well, 6 hours if I’m being honest. You need to make sure it’s “the one”. I learned this when I didn’t do my scientific in-store test and I got a pillow home only to find out it was made of little steel arrowheads that my indian ancestors had lovingly left for me to lay my frizzy head on. I kid. Anyway,  I do the in-store test, and THEN I buy. But ONLY if I’m sure it’s going to be the BEST.Pillow.EVER. I’m kind of a pillow snob,really. Anyway, so we’ve bought pillows before…….and we still have them. And we bought pillows before that………..and we still have them…and I believe when we merged our two squishy lives together, we came with our own pillow inheritances………….and we still have them.

So I posed the question last night while SG was treating his pillow like Elin wants to treat Tiger “Do people throw away pillows?” Because I don’t think WE do. And I instantly flashforwarded to a life surrounded by old lifeless pillows, that will eventually multiply to the point that I simply cannot breathe in my home anymore, and I suffocate myself and die a soft, fluffy, very comfortable but sad…oh so sad death. Do you throw out your pillows? Where?? In the trash? Down a toilet? Garbage disposal?? Where do you send your pillows to die? There’s the whole overlap issue as well. You cannot throw one out before you know if the new one will work. It’s hard at first to get past the whole “it doesn’t smell like my head” thing about a new pillow, but once you do, that’s when you figure out if it’s going to bond with your head in that “nom nom nom slap dat alarm like its yo momma” kind of way. Don’t ask where that last sentence came from. I really don’t know. I don’t slap my mother. Yet it came out, and I sounded like I’m from the hood. Interesting. Anyway. I don’t really realize how many pillows we have until we’re going somewhere over night and the “should we bring our pillows” conversation is had.

There’s our knee pillows of course, two for under our heads…the pillows we keep at the sides of our bed in case our head pillows get overheated (I’m a hot head-literally), and then the closet pillows with the fancy pillow cases…the Ralph Lauren pillows when I want to pretend I’m Rachel Green and I work for RL,…the list g oes on and on. I just don’t know. So..that’s really all I wanted to ask..Do you throw away your pillows? Do you keep them in the event that your new pillow and scalp don’t bond? WHAT DO YOU DO SO THAT YOU DON’T SUFFOCATE YOURSELF IN YOUR HOUSE OF PILLOWS?? This is the essence of what I want to know. How do I save myself?

Filed under: Everyday