:::Right as I finished that paragraph, Squishy Baybee awoke, causing me to sigh and close the laptop:::

Alas, it is the next day and I am completing this short, unthoughtful blog.  So, here is a short list of things that have changed in my life since birthing a child:

- I now look at food  and judge how long it will take to eat it and how many hands it will take to put it in my face. Pizza? Doable one handed and in a short amount of time.  Spaghetti? It will be awhile before we meet again, my friend.

- Sleep is now acceptable anywhere, at anytime. The toilet is a perfectly acceptable place to dream. An hour of uninterrupted sleep is now considered “A good night’s rest!”

- It is now completely acceptable for me to consider whether a situation is boob worthy or not. As in, the baby is crying, and only breast feeding will calm him down. Never before have I considered whipping out a boob in a public place as normal, however now, depending on how upset my child is, it may be necessary. You have been warned. I’ll try to be discreet but when baybee is hungry, he can and will make wardrobe malfunctions a reality.

- “Getting ready” now consists of throwing makeup at my face and hoping it lands in the right spot, and a good hair day equals using the hair dryer.

- And finally (I could go on forever, but the baby is happily playing on his play mat which means I might have time to eat!) the main thing that has changed is that I never knew I could or would love being a mom and having a child- this child- this much. He is a blessing and a joy beyond words, and when I think of how my hands shook holding that pregnancy test with the second line, I laugh at my fearful self- because truly, the best was yet to come.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

So, apparently, Squishybaby lurves him some meat, and I, prior to Squishybaby’s existence was not such a meat lover. However, right about 18 weeks was  right about when I had to fight the urge to gnaw on cows when passing them grazing in fields. It was alarming at first- Was I cast in the final Twilight Saga movie unbeknownst to myself and was simply getting into character??? What happened to my “not so much” attitude when it came to meat-especially of the red variety? However, I had to have it. Thus began my love affair with Carl’s Jr cheeseburgers(did you know when you order a regular cheeseburger at Carl’s Jr. they call it a “Big Cheeseburger” and ask you- did you mean the BIG CHEESEBURGER??To which you must embarrassingly admit, yes I WANT THE BIG CHEESEBURGER.) Anyway, that lasted about a month and then I moved on to In and Out drive thru shananigans. UMMM did you also know that, when you go through the drive thru they ask you “Will you eat this in the car?”

Now. I’m already not proud that I’m going through the fast food drive thru at all, mmmk? But now you’re asking me to admit that yes, I will be eating this in the car, and yes, I will be chasing that random french fry that fell down between the seats at the next stoplight, and yes, I will be trying to remain calm when I see that I have already eaten all of the straggler fries at the bottom of the bag. YES I WILL BE EATING IT IN THE CAR. RUB MAH BELLY IF YOU WANT, IT’S ALL FOR THE BAYYBEEE. HE NEEDS THE MEAT!!!!!!

Also, apparently, he needs the iron. He needs the iron so badly, that umm sometimes, he knocks me out to get it. No joke. Apparently I’m what they call I pass out in the heat and scare the bejeezus out of people anemic, and this causes me to become not so conscious feeling at times. It is not pretty. Nor is it fun. Squishybaby does NOT fool around when he wants his meaty iron, and therefore, I am now doing what it takes to get it to him. SO, keep yer cows inside folks, I make no promises.

The view from the top these days...

It was all very, very common and normal since the morning sickness has subsided (*Thank you Jesus, I’m forever grateful), and this is the norm on weekend mornings. Sleeping has now become somewhat of a pillow and comforter ballet, with me trying to find a comfortable side position so as to not harm the baby by lying on my back, and as a back sleeper, let me tell you, it has not been fun. It usually includes me trying to hurl myself over to my side, and trying to balance there comfortably without feeling like my rounding belly is hanging awkwardly off the front of me. It’s attractive, let me tell you.

So, it was on this very common and normal Saturday morning in the fluffy pillow home which I am not meant to leave   in bed that when I turned over something new happened. It felt as though my right calf was being ripped off of my leg by a very hungry shark. I found myself going from thinking peaceful Saturday morning thoughts to “MOTHER OF WHAT THE WHY IS MAH LEG WHAT IS OWWW OWWWW OWWWWWWWW”  and burying my face into the back of Mr.Squish’s upper buttocks. He, of course, thought I was dying. I can imagine that one does not prefer to wake up to his pregnant wife shrieking in pain and grabbing her leg like she is re-inventing the “Running Man” dance move craze of the 80′s. 

So. Apparently, I had a “Charlie horse” cramp in my calf. Apparently these are common in pregnancy. Apparently THE BABY HATES MAH LEGS.  The weird thing about this “cramp” is that there’s no reason for it, and there was NO warning. Straight from bliss to I’MMA SLAP YO’ MOMMA’S MAMA in a matter of seconds. Pure fun. Also? The pain and soreness lasted 2 days after. You tell me if you can find something better looking than a “is she fat or pregnant”  woman limping around in all her glory, and I’ll give you an award.

*I must make my gratefulness to Jesus clear whenever morning sickness is mentioned, because now that the  sickness is gone, it’s a whoooole neeew woooorld!! Someone get me my magic carpet!

This is Charlie. HE WANTS TO EAT MAH LEG.

Because. I. am. a-growing. a human. A BOY human.  Yesiree you read that right, for the past 16 weeks I have been extremely busy creating another humanoid. What have you been doing? You see, I’m pretty sure whatever you have been doing pales in comparison to my all encompassing job of creating life with God, so I’m trying my best to live it up while I can. There have been several moments in the past 16 weeks however, where I would have gladly accepted a less exciting life. In honor of my new creation, I have compiled a list of pregnancy related thoughts, or things I have learned during the past 16 weeks and  3 days.

Weeks 4-5

• I need chicken McNuggets. NOW. I know they’re made with rubber duckies- but  I NEED THE NUGGETS!!

Weeks 5-7

• Hmmm, this is an unsettled feeling.
• Must keep eating, maybe this gnawing stomach will go away
• Nope, this is a bad bad feeling.
• This lasts all day, not just morning.
• I refuse to ever leave the house again.
• Must sleep NOW.
• I miss Target.

Weeks 7-9

• Well, this is icky.
• I will live the rest of my life surviving on Taco Bell Nachos Supreme with no beef.
• NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW BAD THIS IS
• I think I’m going to die.
• I wish I could floss my teeth without gagging.

Weeks 9-14

• Projectile vomiting+freshly applied mascara= not goodness.
• That is all.

Weeks 14-16

• Pregnancy is a wondrous thing!

So that brings us up to date.  This evening I was craving a turkey sandwich so badly that I went to the store and bought all the good ingredients for it, only to get home and realize the turkey had nitrates in it and I couldn’t eat it. Then I cried. I CRIED OVER A TURKEY SANDWICH. Luckily, my husband is my hero, and found me nitrate free turkey that I could heat up and eat.

And, all is right with the world again.

What have you all been up to? Crying over lunch meat as well I presume?

(Not in order of importance)

1. The human body can indeed survive for days on end without eating anything naturally occuring such as fruit or vegetables.

2. The human body can indeed reach its maximum capacity for fudge, Reese’s peanut butter bells, meltaway Hershey Kisses, and Family size bags of Fritos.

3. Oddly enough, maximum capacity for said items is ever expanding, as one continues to reach for these items even though one is sick of them.

4. During break, it is completely acceptable to feel an unexpected sense of joy when The Hills is featured in a marathon.

5. It is ok to feel a sense of guilt when setting your DVR to record the marathon.

6.  Dog Whisperer Week on National Geographic is oddly enough, a great thing to watch while eating Fritos.

7. Going to bed at 2:30 am, and waking at 11:30 am begins to feel as though this is what God hath intended for you, and that pesky job thing sure has gotten in the way of it all these years.

8. Becoming too lazy to actually go in the kitchen for baked goods is a sign that things are taking a down turn.

9. Moving baked goods to the coffee table is further more, a sign that things are not looking good.

10. Dehydration due to massive Frito consumption is also unfortunate- signs of salt under the finger nails is a warning.

11. Bad TV becomes watchable as time goes on and sugar levels rise.

12.  Falling asleep to Toddlers and Tiaras and Making the Team:Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders is a sign that things are getting out of hand.

13.  Thoughts like “That Christmas tree will need to be taken down” can usher in great thoughts of panic, bringing with it a fear of “pulling something” by getting off the couch.

14. Those thoughts lead to these: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Happy Time Between Christmas and New Years Everyone!!! I raise my Fritos bag to yours for a toast!!!

And, dear ones of Squishyness, I have decided to kick off this year’s Christmas break by sharing with you the latest falalalalaaaaa-ish activities around the Squishy home.

Mr. Squish and I went to a local farm that sucks all the money out of locals celebrates Halloween and Christmas by setting up several activities that seperate you from your money  warm the hearts of all who partake. Things like a drive through light display, real reindeer, train rides, pumped in snow (yes, here in this here part of California we have to pump in our snow- Yes, it is pathetic, and yes, I’d love to live near real snow. The end.), ice skating, and such.

I was really mailing Santa a Hallmark coupon. The economy is tough for him too.

We then moved on to the real reindeer. They looked….real? And very un-Rudolph like. Kind of like-”If you stick your finger through the fence, I may nom on them a little and be very unapologetic about it. Merry Christmas annoying person. MERRY CHRISTMAS.”

I loved them anyway.

Then we paid the swindlers nice farm people a nice sum of money to drive through their lights extravaganza. I call it an extravaganza, but it was really more like lights shaped like random things. They had lions, tigers, and elephants lit in Christmas lights. It was almost like they had done every Christmas thing they could, and then thought-”Aww heck Bubba, let’s just strang up some lights on African thangs!” However, it twas fun. They had a radio station you could tune into, to sing along with the carols. Mr. Squish did not approve of my singing, and suggested I focus full attention on driving.

A blurry nativity scene! OH aren't you glad you read this blog?? The gifts I bring you people, really.

This is me, giving you Squishies the gift of being in the car with me, while I usher in the Christmas spirit- ready for this?

Do you see the ushering? There it is. Hello Christmas Spirit!!! Welcome to my Toyota!!!

Taste the rainbow! Oh, never mind, it's made of LEDs! Otherwise known as: DID I PAY $12.00 FOR THIS?

I will leave you dear Squishies with some Christmas Card out- takes at the Squishy home:

The cat had just done something hysterical- I do not remember what, but apparently it made me delirious.

I call this picture attempt: Let me 'splain it to you.

"Here is my Christmas tree. Let me show you it."

Merry Christmas Dear Squishies! May God bless you with love, health, and happiness!

I see it when I think of high school afternoons, crisp and fresh fall evenings spent in the bleachers of a home football game.

When I remember the feeling of trying to catch my breath standing at one end of an aisle and seeing my future at the other. Whispering to Daddy “I’m so nervous.” And in his familiar calm way whispering back ” Why?There’s nothing to be nervous about.” Oh how I’m thankful for the man that took me down the aisle and the one that was waiting at the other end.

When I think of the losses we have endured between those moments and today. All of my grandparents but one have gone on to Heaven. Friends that have filtered in and out of my life like seasons. A sweet young cousin that lost his life so fast it left us all staggering and lost. These are the times I stop myself to see this invisible thing called time. Days that forever alter life. Some leaving us with lasting joy, others with lasting sadness.

One of my favorite songs by The Fray says “We’re only taking turns holding this world, when you’re older you will understand.” I find that to be true this year- wondering how to best serve the world while I hold it.

So, dear Squishies- these are my thoughts today, December 4,2010.

 Love those around you hard- love them so hard that they complain that you’re squishing their ribs and making them wonder what got into you. Slow down and enjoy these fleeting moments. Squeeze the joy out of today. Leave today wondering what hit it. Enjoy this time that you hold the world.

If you said “Adult sized footie pajamas that make the wearer look like a giant TeleTubby” then you are correct. Please ignore the cat struggling to be free from said TeleTubby. She loves to be held against her will. It’s our thing. It was so nice coming home to a decorated house, I must say. This year I do not have to go to Macy’s to Falalalala it up! Woot!

While we were in L.A. we did touristy things. Such as, but not limited to:

Posing with fake awards in crappy gift shops.

Pretending to be famous movie stars.

Falling down the stairs.

Oh wait, did I hear a record screech? Yes. I believe I did. While I was Hollywooding and pretending to be nine kinds of cool that I am not, I had a slight mishap while going down some stairs at my dear Aunt-in-laws home. You see, she has wood flooring, and I was wearing socks while descending her very steep stairs to get to mah shoes, and uhh, I went-a-flying. You know how when you know something bad is happening the world slows down? This happened. I was IN THE AIR and I knew it was going to be a sitchiation.

I think it was my dear aunt’s screams, or my husband’s “What-the?”, or my mother in laws look of silent white faced desperation that really told me “today, while descending these stairs, in your Champion socks from Costco, you may die.” Lemme tell you- I was not a champion in that moment, or the moments after, where I gathered myself enough to hop up and say “ATLEAST IT WASN’T MAH KNEE!” 

I instantly knew there would be bruising…as I was definitely cruising down those stairs quite hastily, however, thankfully nothing was broken.  I mean, I fell down atleast 5 steps  and I just couldn’t catch myself, as my Squish tumbled further and further and my squishy arm continued to try and reach up to grasp the banister- it simply did not occur. So, I am a bit sore, BUT IT WASN’T MAH KNEE! It was my…well, I’ve got some issues putting on my pants- can we leave it at that? I’ve got a Joseph style technicolored dream bruise on my pants wearing area, and let me tell you, it’s just falalalalaa magical.

I hope your Thanksgiving weekend was just that fun, with less screaming, of course.

One would think that I must have had nothing to post lately, so I just haven’t posted. One would be wrong however, because I sooooo very much had something to post. And now, I shall.

This is a story of a weekend trip turned turtle.

You see, on the way home from a nice little trip to the coast where Mr. Squish and I did a 5k for the Alzheimer’s Association, Mr. Squish was silent ,and then yelled out “WOAAAAAH!” I turned my attention from the road for a minute half expecting him to be on a horse with a lasso. The following is a snapshot of the conversation which took place on an extremely busy two way highway near marshy wetlands(this small detail will become important later):

Me: What happened!!

Mr. Squish: YOU ALMOST RAN OVER A TURTLE BACK THERE!

Me: Should I go back?? (please to be noting that my first response was not to be a normal and sane person. Oh no, it was not.)

Mr. Squish: I don’t know! It was heading for the white line!

Me: Well, we have to go back then!!!

_____________________Off road adventure ensues………U turn____________________________

Mr. Squish: What are we going to do with it?

Me: We’ll take it home!! I’ve always wanted a turtle!!I LOVE TURTLES!!!THEY NEVER RUN AWAAAAAY!!!IT CAN LIVE IN OUR BACKYARD, AND I CAN FEED IT APPLES AND SPINACH! I LOVE TUUURRRTTTTLEEEEESSSS!!!

Mr. Squish: What do we put it in?

Me: HELLOOOOOO,  I have a paper bag.

::::::At this point, we had found the turtle and Mr. Squish headed across the highway to get the turtle- even though when he got to the turtle he tried to “run” and turned his turtle butt toward us::::::::::::::

Mr. Squish: IT HAS CLAAAWWWSSS!!!!

Me: Oh, pshhhh! It’s a TUR-TULLLLLL

Me: Oh. Those are big claws. STICK IT IN THE BACK!

Once the turtle was in the back of the car it began scratching around in the bag non-stop. This was when we began 2nd guessing our decision to rescue the turtle from the white line. We continued to drive home, where we let him roam free in our backyard.

Making his break for it out of the bag. Very Slowly.

Then we began researching what kind of turtle we had on our hands, for he was not your average turtle, you see.

2. After #1, I will spend the remainder of the day swatting at my face when a stray hair falls across my forehead.

3. I do not value my appearance during an apparent spider attack.

4. It feels like there is a spider in my eye lashes. Right now. I don’t like.

5. Spiders cannot get dead enough in my presence. Which is why you will also hear me scream KILL IT!!KILL IT DEAD!!! If you are within a 5 mile radius of a spider killing that I am involved in.

6. I believe all living creatures are God’s creation.

7. I believe spiders were created for stepping on.

8. Except for maybe the really hairy ones with faces that look kind of dog-ish.

9. Nope, probably those too, now that I think of it.

10. I don’t know why I put this in a list.

11. It probably should have been a paragraph.

12. Sorry about that.

13.  I hate wasps more than I do spiders.

14. Wasps don’t make webs that fly all woohoo into your face though.

15. I’ve been using the term “woohoo” a lot lately. Like “My hair is doing that “woohoo” thing again.”

16. It’s kind of odd, I’ll admit it.

17. Wasps are definitely scarier than spiders.

18. I’d rather have a spider live in my bellybutton for a day than have a wasp land on my arm for a second.

19. It would have to be a really small spider with no teeth. That wore shoes.

20. I need to go wash my eyelashes.